Atari 2600 Encyclopedia: Do you know Beat’Em and Eat’Em?
Release Date: 1982
Alternate Title: N/A
Model #: 204
Programmer: Joel H. Martin
This is one of the more, ahem, unique adult titles on the 2600.
Beat Em and Eat Em is the perverts version of Kaboom. You control naked ladies who are patrolling the street below a two story building that has a naked madman running across the roof making it rain (and not in the “throw a bunch of ones up in the air at a strip club” sense). Well I guess if we are going to get technical it would be more like making it snow, but still, you get the point.
Your ladies have their heads tilted to the sky in order to catch the…umm…snow flakes with their mouth. According to the game manual you gain a point for every drop you catch, and then proceeds to scold you for any missed drop because “it could have been a doctor or lawyer.” This one sentence proves that nobody should ever, ever get their sex education from an Atari 2600 game. Each round has a pre-set number of drops that will be in play (because after all, a guy has limits right?). After the successful completion you will get a breather before the next, faster round begins. If you are able to earn a score of 69 you get a bonus life. Once you have lost all your lives (i.e. let all those future doctors and lawyers die on the sidewalk) a thunderstorm rolls in and ends your game.
On a side note, do yourself a favor and read the instruction manual if you can find it, because it is a masterpiece of innuendo. To give you an idea, the difficulty selection is explained as “Game two is more difficult as there is only one female”, but the easier option is the “Swinger” option, since there are two women there to take on the man. The amazing doesn’t end with the instruction manual as the box cover looks like the woman stole Gene Simmons’ tongue.
Lady in Wading puts you in the role of a lady who is willing to go to great lengths to get some action. Her horny old man is trapped in a tower on the other side of a moat, and it’s up to her to rebuild the bridge brick by brick. That in itself would be a time consuming and difficult task, but it is made infinitely more so by the fact that there is a hungry crocodile nipping at your feet and an annoying gremlin that will bite you in the bum and hold you in place for the croc to turn the water red with your blood. On the more difficult setting the flying creature that looks like an extra from Demon Attack will rain fireballs down upon you, making your task nearly impossible to complete.
The only saving grace of this game is that you don’t have a set number of lives, rather you have a counter that constantly counts up. This was probably deemed necessary due to the fact that the controls are so bad that your lady will die dozens of times on her short quest to bump uglies with her man. Oh, and for those expecting some sort of explicit action once you survive the gauntlet, you will be sorely disappointed because bumping uglies is all the happy couple does. In fact, if you mistime your jump and end up on top of the man he will throw you to the crocodile below. Although it is kind of funny to see a naked 2600 couple doing crotch thrusts. There is another version of the game called Knight on the Town that has the roles reversed.
Neither of these games comes anywhere close to being good or entertaining, but as with all of the “Adult” titles for the 2600 they should be played once just to experience them.
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