Childhood PTSD lasts a lifetime
My childhood PTSD has three heads, the first deals with the consequences, subconscious and overt over my lifetime, the second encompasses all the therapy and effort trying to heal and lastly the effort to function in this present moment.
The second phase of trying to heal from childhood abuse did not start until my mid 50’s. My father considered therapy a sign of weakness. The main reason: I had no idea something needed fixed, no clue PTSD was an issue.
When my PTSD exploded in my mid 50’s, trying to heal consumed all my energy and focus. My trauma was living under the radar, in my subconscious, until a family crisis set it loose.
On the healing path, the consequences of PTSD are numerous. I can give you examples where my life was devastated by traumas curse. Our memory, our past haunts us, it is cloudy and confusing and extremely scary.
It never totally disappears and has a habit of exploding when stress visits me.
Now my time is spent trying to function in this present moment. Life is a minefield, mood changes and triggers abound.
Life has never been free for me, always guarded, PTSD changed my personality and wellbeing.
There is no celebration over what I have overcome. Shame, humiliation, physical harm and unworthiness are the gifts childhood trauma gave to me.
If you are looking for a storybook ending, childhood trauma is the wrong place to search. From the Adverse Childhood Experiences, we have more cancer, addictions, suicides, chronic diseases, other mental disorders and early death.
We are not normal. I feel that to my very core.
Ask any abused kid if he would want to experience childhood again or the life after it.
I am not alone, life does not feel safe for some of us, we do not trust people.