Tory Second Jobs Ban ISN’T

In a routine display of not-at-all-right-leaning-commentary-honestly, BBC political editor Laura Kuenssberg considered the proposal from Labour leader Keir Starmer to ban MPs from having second jobs, noted that this had goaded alleged Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson into putting forward his own apparently similar proposals, and declared this to be a victory for Bozo. Even though it wasn’t.

Chicken feed delayed, but not cancelled, apparently

Ouch. Politics is a harsh old business. Sir Keir Starmer's team had decided to put him out in public to make a decisive statement, positioning him as the sleaze-buster in chief. Yet, just as the moment arrived, even during the introduction by his deputy, Angela Rayner, someone else decided to intervene before Sir Keir was able to open his mouth. Yes, you guessed it, one Boris Johnson” she gushed, without going into too much detail.


At first, many Tory MPs were incandescent with rage. How would they pay for the school fees, the nanny, the au pair, the membership of a suitable London club, the property portfolio, the motors, summer holidays in the Caribbean, winter holidays in Aspen (or, at a pinch, Switzerland, as no member of the Europhobic Tory death cult would visit an EU country), the dinner parties, and wifey’s clothing allowance? What’s a chap to do?


One might have to forego the account at Fortnum’s and shop at Waitrose with all those DEM SAYSHLISTS! Small wonder Christopher “No” Hope of the increasingly desperate and downmarket Telegraph told “Rumours that Sir Graham Brady might ask Boris Johnson to the 1922 committee tomorrow to explain his reforms to their ‘second jobs’. It is hard to understate the anger. ‘Are we going to have to keep time sheets?’ one asks me”.


Like all those GHASTLY C2s, eh? QC Jessica Simor was all out of sympathy. “The 1922 Committee making its priorities clear. As if they needed to be any clearer about where their priorities lie … MP for Southwest Sewers on Thames: ‘Honestly, what is the point in being a Tory MP if you can’t capitalise on it? After all that’s the whole point of being a capitalist isn’t it?’” But then came a caution from Sam Coates of Sky News.


Tory MPs I’ve spoken to privately today and last night are very doubtful we ever actually end up with the sort of second jobs reforms promised yesterday, having seen the government motion which sets up for more talks until Jan 31”. Ah, the old kicking the can down the road via the long grass ploy! Plus one word was missing from the proposals.


No “paid consultancy”? Ooh look, a loophole. Or rather, more than one loophole. What would stop someone instead donating to the Tory Party, and then the MP concerned becoming, oh I dunno, a paid “deputy chairman”? Or, more likely, ensuring that the company wishing to purchase the services of an MP had a board of suitably remunerated directors, which the aforesaid MP could be invited to join? Wha-Hey! Job Done!!

The new, cleaner, régime may look something like this

After all, there’s no point having all that gravy sloshing around without a trough to dispense it and plenty of little piggies to snout it all up. If Bozo lied about his rock-solid commitment to Northern Powerhouse Rail and the eastern leg of HS2, he can lie about holding his pals in the Tory Party to higher standards and stopping their second jobs.

The gravy train has not been cancelled, but merely slightly delayed. Trebles all round!


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Tory Second Jobs Ban ISN’T